That's me. I am feeling like I am hanging on a gossamer thread, just waiting for it to snap and send me reeling into the abyss. My heart is pounding. I feel nauseous. I keep breaking out in crazy rashes. I can't keep a thought in my brain. I am eating like some beast from the forest. Sleep is completely out of the question at night. If sleep does come, it is restless and sweaty. All this torment is being caused by my inability to control, or even visualize my future.

My job as a campus instructional technologist comes to an end at the end of the school year. There are seven possible paths that I may find myself on. I can't choose any of them nilly-willy. Each of them comes with conditions.

Path 1 is to get one of seven remaining jobs as an academic technology coach for the district. That is the path I want. But, I already tried for that job in the summer- interviewing with the same group of people. They didn't want me then. I'm still me. I don't see any reason for them to want me now. You see! That's the kind of self-doubt and self-loathing this entire situation is causing for me.

If I don't get a coaching position, Path 2 is next in order of preference. That would be for my principal to put me in a position on this campus. I know there will be a few openings. However, I interviewed for a job earlier this year and didn't get it. Even though I totally get that I was not a good candidate for the position, and had, in fact, decided I really didn't want it for financial reasons (it was a major cut in pay), I still felt rejected. All those old feelings of being the last one picked to play on a team came rushing back and have been screaming in my face ever since.

Paths 3 and 4 involve my being placed in a teaching position at another school. That could either be Path 3- regular education, or Path 4-special education. I am certified to do either, but there are reasons they aren't what I want. First of all, I never have been a "regular classroom" teacher, with the exception of one year during which I only had twelve students and even then, they were all special education. I would be a brand new teacher at my age, without the benefits of recent college education or student teaching practice. A special education position is scary because I have been out of that field for 17 years. I don't know the terminology, the handicapping conditions, the modern approaches and methodologies, and, most importantly, the current laws.

Path number 5 would be for me to go out and find a private-sector job of some kind. That would mean working full time for about half the pay I make now working a whole lot less days per year. Besides, I have never been outside of the education world. Would my skills serve me well out there?

The next to last possible path for me is retirement. I am five years past the required age to retire. I have plenty of money invested for retirement. But, I don't want to retire until my youngest is out of college. If some crazies decide to do something unthinkable- like fly into a building or something, all of my investments will take a nose-dive just like they did during the 9-11 events. It took forever for them to start climbing back up. I don't mind losing it all and living under a bridge. But, I want my son out of college before that happens.

Path 7 is the least desirable of all, but off and on during the day seems the most likely. That would be for me to just drop stone cold dead from the anxiety. It would not surprise me at all to find myself holding my heart with a loud Sanfordesque, "Elizabeth, I'm comin' to join ya!" Too melodramatic? I don't know. That's just how my brain is working right now.

Fortunately, regardless of which path I end up taking, I do have faith that God has a plan for me. He will ultimately put me on one of the paths, smack me on the butt, and say, "Go forth my son, and fair well." Knowing it is in God's hands does give me some peace. It just doesn't totally soothe my anxiety. Let me put it like this: If you are walking down the trail, and you see a rattle snake a foot away from you, you can have all the faith in the world that God's will is gonna prevail. But, I bet you are still scared witless of that damned snake. Right?

Okay. My pitty party just came to an end. I am going to go take a long walk in the fresh Texas spring air. I'll try to think about other things. I won't be able to. But, I will try.