Today is Columbus Day. I should be at home asleep in my bed. The nasty rainy day that is today only adds truth to that statement. However, as a Texas school teacher, I do not get the day off. I won't get all political about it, although it always irks me that Texas teachers miss out on almost all national holidays, although we are usually having training days without students, who for some reason have the day off. But none of this has anything to do whatsoever with my topic for today.

Today I am going to talk about my absolutely ridiculous fear of facing up to some of life's tough situations. Mainly, that is dealing with illnesses in other people, especially cancer. Whenever someone I know is diagnosed with cancer, I pretty much disappear from them. Actually it is more like running away. I distance myself from the situation to the point of appearing heartless and uncaring. Of course, that is nowhere near the truth.

Now, let me set something straight at the get-go. I may be stupid, but not so stupid as to believe I will get cancer from being around people with cancer. My fears have nothing to do with my health at all. My fears are of the emotions I, and others, feel when someone else is not well. I also fear that I will not "play the game" well. You know the game I am referring to. It's the one where everyone walks around on eggshells pretending that everything is totally normal, and acting like they don't see someone wasting away. The game where everyone professes false hope.

I am almost inhumanely practical. My dad used to say we should call a spade a spade. (Before any idiots out there start shouting racism, that refers to calling a spade a shovel, which is an entirely different tool- not suitable for the job of a spade.) It gets hard to face someone and say, "It sucks that you're dying of cancer". So, instead, we say things like, "I hope you are feeling better soon." But hope does not apply to some of these times.

The word hope gets thrown around a lot these days. Like so many other words, it's meaning has been lost on a lot of people. They use it interchangeably with "wish". They say, "I hope you survive this cancer", when they mean to say, "I wish you weren't gonna die of cancer". A wish is a stong desire for something to happen. A hope is a strong desire for something to happen WITH an expectation that it will indeed happen. That subtle difference is getting washed out these days.

Okay, back on track. I have always taught my sons that we can only do three things to people. We can either make them feel better, make them feel worse, or leave them as we found them. I have taught them that we should never cause anyone to feel worse, but that it is not always their responsibilty or within their power to make them feel better. I am afraid that my words or actions will let the cancer victim know that I am seeing through all the "you'll be fine" spin and seeing the reality of the situation. That may or may not be the reality they themselves choose to see. I have no right to inflict it on them, which would be "making them feel worse". Therefore, I avoid the situation entirely.

Does running away from these things work for me? Nope, not at all! I end up feeling guilty and dreadful of the times when I have to make contact with the persons in question. They have to notice that I have avoided them. For example, this evening, my team at work is going to get together and have dinner with one of our colleagues who has been out since the end of last year. I have contacted her through email twice. That's it, unless you count the times we've talked in my dreams.

Will this behavior change? I wouldn't count on it. Avoidance has been my method of operation so long, I don't think I could do anything else. If anyone has any ideas of ways for me to mature and develop in this area, please feel free to add comments below.